Raincheck, please.

What is it that I want? Do we ever figure that out? Or does it always, like a mirage, change right when you're about to stumble upon it. There is this overwhelming feeling of obligation that is obstructing my views. Its true. I can't decide on my own what it is I want without dodging the impulse to base my feelings on what others want, feel, think, need, or expect. My tongue is tied and my default is stuck on shy. I'm avoiding situations altogether. I'm pretending they aren't there as I skip along seemingly oblivious. But believe me, it takes a lot of work to be this absentminded.

I'm over obligations. I wish for one day, one minute, I could do something without guilt creeping up like a stale hangover. Indifference is a breath of fresh mountain air a mere 2,153 miles away. But NO! I must face obligation straight in the face and spit a fiery FUCK OFF right between it's condescending eyes. I'm know guilt better than a catholic who missed confession. Fuck y'all, I do what I whhant.

Just as soon as I figure out what that is...

I skipped boozing to paint tonight. Its a rough draft but the start of something, I can only hope
.
I plan on adding some color behind the torn hole and some major sharpie details. The plane and rat came from a most recent and disturbing dream.

According to dream symbolism: A rat is a sign that negative influences are undermining your vitality. Dreams about rats and mice usually reflect the worries which are "gnawing" you. Seeing a rat: you will go through some unpleasant experience with other people.
A plane crash suggests a lack of confidence, self-defeating attitude and self-doubt toward the goals you have set for yourself; you do not believe in your ability to attain those goals. Loss of power and uncertainty in achieving your goals are also signified.

There's something to think about.

Better luck to you and dreamsweet my loves.